Friday, July 22, 2011

July 22nd: The Next Big Idea!

Memo to: Brad Lavigne

Re: Our Next Big Idea!
Brad, I just had an epiphany reading Dobbin’s latest article – he suggests the NDP start a culture war and I think he’s right. So, can you gear up the war room – it’s time for a true orange jihad. And, this is a war we can easily win since the people are with us. If we act fast, we can catch the stupid conservatives off guard – they’ll just be eating burgers at their idiotic lame barbecues. So, call up your contacts at the CBC and tell them it’s time to go to the mattresses! Olivia and I have been waiting for this magic moment for years.

And I think I know exactly where to start. I was just sent an advance copy of “A Chicken in Every Yard: The Urban Farm Store’s Guide to Chicken Keeping”, and I haven’t been able to put it down for a second. Here’s where the rubber meets the road – instead of just talking about sustainability, we can lead the movement for the urban chicken! Who doesn’t have a hankering for fresh eggs? Gee, the Americans made a big deal about ‘a chicken in every pot’, so it seems natural that we can make a big deal about “a chicken in every yard”. This could be the big idea that proves we are ready for power.

I mentioned to Olivia that Stornoway would be perfect for the NDP’s first coop. But, as soon as I mentioned it, she said no fucking way was I was going to ruin her backyard! My god, she actually threw a pot at me! It might take her a while to warm to the idea, so how about we ask the GG whether we can set up a coop at his residence. They have a ton of room and this way we can call it Canada’s coop!

The best part is that for just $100 we could have a real sturdy coop – so, it wouldn’t take much out of his budget. So, can you please have someone purchase the materials and get going (just send the invoices to the office of the GG). We must have some summer interns who can handle this, no? But, before we start, can you find out if the GG is exempt from Ottawa city regulations about chicken coops? If he isn’t, I can set up a meeting with the Mayor to ask for an exemption – or make a trade if we have to. What can we give Watson that will make him happy? Well, tell him the first hundred eggs are his! If you have to bargain, we’ll go to 150.

And Libby had a great idea to mobilize the masses – one that really shows why we can win the culture war. Instead of going to silly barbecues around the country this summer, how about we start the NDP Vegan Circle Tour. We can make them all potlucks and that way we can all sample the best vegan food! We can do this in local parks, and Olivia and I would be happy to bring some of our incredible raw vegan zucchini pasta with flaxseed and parsnips! I think everybody is going to love the O’Doul’s Premium Non-Alcoholic beer which has just received its vegan certification.

The only problem is that vegans don’t eat eggs, so how do we square the circle? Can we get a ruling from Greenpeace or somebody that this is all kosher? Or, please call the people at CLUCK - Canadians Liberating Urban Chickens Klub - in Ottawa..they might have an idea.

One last thing, please call our Tee supplier and order a few thousand of the Layton tees with my picture on the front and back. I have a feeling I’ll be autographing a whole bunch of them this summer.



  1. raw vegan zucchini pasta with flaxseed and parsnips.

    Complete disregard for sewer infrastructures.

  2. Jacks da man! Where "chicken' chokin' is involved that is.

  3. TROU

    I can't imagine the O’Doul’s is gonna help either.